This letter has been years in the making. It is finally time to give some perspective to the accusations, criticisms, ill feelings and unkind words that have been spoken over the years. To tell you the truth, they have at times devastated me, and sometimes have left me all but undone. I’ve spent days in a funk, I’ve cried, and in an effort to salvage my pathetic injured self I’ve allowed distance to form between you and I. I’ve reduced transparency in an effort to defend myself against the threat of accusation. I have learned more about creating healthy boundaries through this process though, but I admit that I have also created massive walls built of boulders of self protection and hurt.
I am writing now to tell you that I’m changing. I’m writing to tell you that you were probably right. Or maybe you weren’t…. Your assumptions about my motives, actions, relational dynamics or decisions I’ve made might have been right. Or maybe they weren’t. But well, let’s move on…
Yesterday I thought about you, and I thought about how to move on through this muck… How I get so stuck on and in what you’ve said about me (and even stuck in what I say about me). A small voice spoke to me faintly and gently, it shined a light on this grey, fuzzy, brain cloud of a spot in my mind. It revealed the truth and I now want to share that with you, because it’s actually worse than you ever thought!
Yes, that’s right. I am way, waaaay worse than you ever thought, or said! Whatever unkindness you shared with me, your accusations don’t even come close to describing the real darkness inside. If I even told you, you would be totally creeped out, you would ask me to stop. (I hope this isn’t making you uncomfortable, maybe I should stick with garden updates and pictures of cute fuzzy animals… but this is BIG for me, so I hope you will read on).
Your ill feelings, actions or words about me cannot even begin to express the depth of what is really in there! It is so bad that I cannot even judge myself! I can’t see straight enough into my own heart to begin to make sense of it. But, I will tell you, even the part I’m aware of… it’s an ugly beast. U.G.L.Y.
You might be wondering how I could possibly be writing this… How could I be confessing to this evil, and publicly?!? How could I possibly have received a whisper of this nature to be gentle?
Because I follow Jesus and He says that I am loved! He says that He loves me and because of that I can really love others. So, all this darkness in me can be made to light as He transforms me with His love and through expressing His love to others. In giving and receiving his love the darkness can be turned into light! So ummmmm, I sorta forgot about what your issue was with me, your unkind words faded into the distance, they got blurry when I tried to think about them… and I felt free. Freeeeeeeeeeeee!
And so I leave you with this song…. Which I am internalizing, I am receiving into my soul, even to the darkest parts, the creepy bits, and hoping that as I do so my Hallelujahs will be indeed multiplied. This miraculous gentle voice speaks still… And as He does I hope that you also will listen.
Anita the Imperfect (though perfectly loved)
PS I promise that the next several blog posts will be much cuter.